Each morning I get up, grab a cup of coffee and sit down and read my Daily Affirmations, Strengthening My Recovery book (You can read the daily affirmations here.). The last sentence of today’s reading was…
After reading that this morning it was an aha moment. This program is what I have been missing (and needing) for a very long time. I feel like I’ve been given so much hope for healing and growing through this program (Adult Children of Alcoholics) in such a short time.
As a child of an alcoholic, healing and growth comes with a lot of pain, and shame among so many other feelings. I read a quote today that said, “Remember, Growing might feel like breaking first.” I couldn’t agree more.
I’ve been so afraid to let any feelings out. What if they wouldn’t stop? What if this lead to another depressive episode that totally derails me? After much thought, I decided if I don’t try and lean into this, I’m not going to heal from the affects of my childhood. I don’t want to carry on this way. The fear of keeping this hurt inside is out weighing the fear of letting it out. I want healing so bad. I wish there was an easy button to take all the hurt away, but I know I have to put in the time and effort to move forward.
So, this last week, I have been working on telling myself it is okay to cry. It’s amazing how hard that really is after stuffing it for so long. It’s just that my heart hurts so much. It aches every single day. However, as soon as I start feeling emotional, I immediately think to myself, bottle it. Tuck it away. Suck it up.
I can’t do that to myself anymore! I need to stop that thinking!
When those emotions show up, I’ve tried really hard to changed that dialog to, It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel my emotions. I need to feel this. I feel the resistant to still tuck it away, and I am sure that it will continue to be hard going forward, but I am now able to shed a few tears.