A fellow traveler told me one time that, “This is a journey, NOT a destination.” That is slowly sinking in. When I first started attending these meetings, I got all the books, read and highlighted my way through cover to cover. I wanted to read the content, understand the process, and be fixed. It took me a couple of months to realize that this is not how recovery works. Just remember that this is a journey, NOT a destination. This is a life long journey, one day at a time.
Lately, I’ve had some good days, okay days, bad days, and the “I’m Fine!”, kind of days (ladies, you get me right?). It had been a roller coaster of ups and downs and lately the downs seem to be winning. Those downs are causing me to rethink some things in my life. When I started attending ACA, Al-Anon, and CODA meetings I didn’t realize the denial that I was in about any number of things. Some of those specific things I will go into on another post, I’m just not ready to discuss those at this time. But, in attending these meeting, the more I hear other’s stories, their faith, strength, courage, and hope, my eyes started to open to the things I had chosen not to see before. I was told many times that once you see things as they are, you can’t unsee them, no matter how hard I try. It makes me feel all these different emotions that I wasn’t quite prepared for and it changed me. It’s changing me, how I see myself and my role in my life and those around me, my relationships, and my friendships. It’s affecting me, my heart, my soul, my being. It’s personal growth and yes that means change, but I don’t want to feel stuck in the same “stuff” anymore.
Al-Anon, ACA, and CODA have given me the tools to to healthier way of living, to become the person God intended me to be. It certainly isn’t all sunshine and roses though. It is hard work reflecting on my life, the good and the bad times. Diving in deep to traumatic events is painful. But, I do it to heal. Another thing I was told is the only way to heal is to feel and coming from an alcoholic family, I have a very hard time letting my feelings out. I’m better at stuffing them way down deep inside. That is how I coped as a child. So that should work the same for me as an adult, right? Nope! I need to feel in order to heal. At this time, I have done more crying in the last three months than I care to admit. That’s as far as I have gotten. No anger has been allowed to escape yet. I’m sure that will come in time.
Those are my random thoughts for today 🙂
Life is hard, but God is still good!